Wednesday, July 22, 2009


!!!WARNING!!! the post below isn't exactly happy, it is about the loss of our first child. i had been in the process of writing it when we lost our baby, so i finally finished it.

this post has been awhile in the making. i wasn't ready to share, but didn't want to forget it all either.

JAN 2 - my birthday!! woohoo, no work, just chilling. oh yeah, and after almost 2 years, we are finally PREGNANT!!! i can't believe it, it seems so surreal. i mean, why after all this time would things finally work? well, other than the drugs and procedure we took/had to get pregnant. plus, i have no symptoms, sooo...hmmm. hoping for the best, i decided to go ahead and test this morning, b/c it would make the best birthday present ever! and if it was negative, i would just wait until monday and test again. i was hoping to get the first blood test today, but the dr wasn't in. so, monday it will be. so, here's hoping for a good hcg number and then doubling numbers on the second test!

i'm 4 weeks pregnant, only 36 more to go. about 250 days. our little lamb is the size of a poppyseed and in the coming weeks will start developing all of its major organs.

JAN 5 - took another pee test this morning, because what else was i going to do with it? went in for my blood test today and waited hopefully for a call from the dr's office. the nurse had told me that they may not have the results back until in the morning, so once i left work i figured i would just have to wait some more. surprisingly the phone call we get at 6pm is from my dr himself! he says that my hcg is around 350 and he is very pleased with that number. he told me to start taking my progesterone (which, btw are these funny ball shaped pills that look like candy, not kidding) twice a day instead of just once and that his nurse would call me the next day to schedule my first ultrasound in a couple of weeks!!! i was very happy to hear more good news and mostly relieved that it wasn't all a figment of my imagination.

so, i guess you want to know how we told the fam. well, since friday was my birthday, i kinda expected that we would go to dinner with my parents, but no invitation was forthcoming. we had been out at lunch time and had gone to moe's (yum!) so we just had leftovers at home. i decided as one last not healthy eating hurrah and because it was afterall my birthday, that we should go get some dessert. as we headed home from baskin robins i called my parents, i figured we would just stop by to show them some "cool" pictures i had taken, but they didn't answer. i called my dad's cell phone and it turns out that they went out to dinner without me. =( we went home and i was somewhat sad that i didn't get to tell them. the next day (saturday) i went to see my great aunt and spend some time with my best friend elizabeth (whom i told, she was very excited for me!) and travis went to see one of his friends in mississippi. when i left visiting my friend my phone showed that my parents had been trying to call me, so i called and they invited us to dinner, but since i was the only still in town, it was just me. i headed to their house and watched them finish taking down their christmas tree and then handed my mom my camera to check out my neat picture. she figured it out immediately and was so excited, as was my dad. they were both cute about the whole thing! later that night i caught my brother on chat and sent him an e-mail with the pic, he was over the moon excited also. can you feel the love?

travis didn't let me send the pic to his mom for a couple of days, and then he wouldn't even tell her to check her e-mail. to quote her reaction "i can't breathe, i'm going to have a heart attack!" needless to say, she was very excited also.

JAN 6 - the nurse called today to schedule my appt, i didn't get a choice, she just told me that my ultrasound would be on jan 23 at 8, my appt with dr p would follow, and a blood draw before i leave. kinda stinky that i have to wait until the end of that week, but that also happens to be travis' b-day! so, we've decided to just take the whole day off. now, for a 2.5 week wait.

JAN 10 - 5 weeks today "appleseed":

Your embryo (looking kind of like a tadpole) is starting to form major organs (heart, kidney, liver, stomach) and systems (nervous, circulatory, digestive). Baby's presence in your uterus triggers production of hCG (the hormone detected by pregnancy tests)... which triggers production of other hormones like estrogen and progesterone... which trigger all those great symptoms you've probably been noticing!

only, i haven't really had any symptoms, except the horrible boob pain which started new year's night. fun stuff, but i'll gladly take it to finally get and stay pregnant. our little appleseed could quite possibly have a heartbeat now. how cool is that? only the size of an appleseed and have a beating heart! God is certainly amazing. tic toc, still almost a full two weeks until the ultrasound. i'm perfectly happy to be one of those strangely blessed women (like my mom) who really don't experience the yuckiness the first trimester tends to be for many, but an occaisional symptom would be reassuring that things are still going strong done there.

JAN 17 - 6 weeks today "sweet pea":

Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks and chin. Those little hands and feet- still webbed like paddles- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.

i can't believe our sweet pea is a quarter of an inch long! really nothing new to report, still not much in the way of symptoms. the boobs still hurt and there is some tiredness. the closest thing to classic symptoms is the burping and a bit of heartburn. my mom says she was never sick with me and only for a week first thing in the morning with my brother. so, i may just luck out. of course, another friend of mine said that she could time how far along she was because the moment she turned 7 weeks she was as sick as a dog.

you know how when you get a new phone or new car, suddenly you see them everywhere. naturally now that i'm finally pregnant, i know 4 other ladies who are too. there are two more that i'd really like to join me on this wonderful journey and hopefully it will happen for both of them soon. to finish, when i sent my brother an e-mail telling him about what was going on with his niece or nephew this week, he sent me back this picture and ask was i having a seahorse. i told him that i was. how cool is that, you can see the heart and brain, where the eyes will be, just amazing.

JAN 22 - tomorrow is the big day, our first ultrasound. i've been kind of anxious. mostly excited, a little bit nervous. i know that the baby itself won't look like much more than a little blob, but i'd really love to see it's heartbeat. i want to be measuring on schedule and for everything to be perfect. i know we don't always get what we want and for people who struggled to get pregnant, finally getting pregnant doesn't suddenly mean that everything will go fine. we (my friends emily and patrick and i) are throwing travis a surprise 30th birthday party tomorrow night. i'm pretty excited about that and hope all goes well. my brother and his girlfriend will be coming home tomorrow too, so i'll see them on saturday. anyway, i just don't know how i'll be able to stand myself until 8am tomorrow, but i'll make it some how.

JAN 23 - yay! everything went fine and there is a little blob in there (this is what travis called it the other day, and my mom doesn't like us to call her grandchild that. however, that is what it looks like at this point, a wonderfully perfect blob) i really wasn't even nervous, other than we didn't get there a few minutes early like i wanted to. we saw the blob pretty quickly and could see the flicker that was the heartbeat. then she (the tech doing the ultrasound) told me to be real still and she would try to play the heartbeat and measure it for us. and it was AMAZING! not quite the beautiful, teary eyed moment i thought it might be, but SO COOL none the less. she showed us the yolk sac with the baby (the yolk sac is way bigger at this point) and told me that the baby is measuring 5 weeks 6 days. so, we'll be in a holding pattern at "sweet pea" for another week. then she took a few more measurements for the dr. she printed us a few pics and burned us a cd, then we went to meet with the dr. he was very happy with everything and assured us that due to how tiny they are and that a mm difference in measurements would mean a difference of 4-5 days that it was ok that i was measuring behind where we thought i would be. and to be on the safe side (that is the side i like) he is bringing us back in in two weeks for another peak and measurements. so, i'm breathing easier-ish for now. and will have much relief and probably open the floodgates (of letting people know) if all goes well at my next appointment. now a two week count down until feb 6. and without further ado, i present "the blob"

FEB 2 - reached 7 weeks over the weekend "blueberry":

Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place

i e-mailed my brother this week's update and this was his response: "haha you now have fruit inside you! lol the fruit of your womb" how cute is he? apparently he has already asked my mom about 20 times in the last week when my appointment is. i also told him the other day that the baby is due the day of the first troy home game of the 2009 season against UAB. he called to tell me that it was unacceptable and that something would have to be done. lol i thought it was hilarious, of course my mom ruined it by telling him that due dates don't really mean anything.

travis told me the other day that one of the happiest moments of his life was right after i found out i was pregnant and jumped on the bed to wake him up and tell him. awww, isn't that sweet. i'm still feeling fine other than being tired and sleepy. particularly today because we went to a super bowl party last night and didn't get home until after my new bed time.

well, there are only about 87 more hours until our ultrasound and i think we are both getting excited. i still have a little apprehension after getting low results on some of my blood work last week, but the dr increased my medicine, so hopefully everything is fine. i also picked up my prescription for my prenatals today. i think they are the ones i tried the sample of last week, i'll try to at least get through most of this month. however, if they are the same ones, they smell like vanilla, and i don't know if i can take them. yuck! well, i guess that is it until friday, say your prayers!

FEB 6 - "the ultrasound" - i have decided that fridays, first thing in the morning, is the worst time to go have an ultrasound. we got there a few minutes early, no one else was in the waiting room and no one was at the desk either. we just waited. slowly people started filling up the waiting room, mostly older ladies in for bone density and mammograms. and one couple who was quite pregnant. finally a staff person showed up at the desk. about 25 minutes after our appointment time the other couple (that showed up after us) was called back by the ultrasound tech that i like. i was a bit aggravated that i was having to wait longer and would get another tech. *sigh* oh well. a few minutes later a tech came from the main office to get us from the ultrasound waiting and took us back to a ultrasound room in the main office. i was excited to see what changes our baby had gone through in those short (and long) two weeks. i had been scouring the internet for pictures of what our baby might look like.

then she started the ultrasound. she found the baby right away, and it definitely looked different; it was bigger and had a more defined shape. she measured and said the baby was measuring 8 weeks. almost immediately though i knew something wasn't right, i couldn't see the flicker of the heartbeat. i tried to imagine that it wasn't true, but when she took another minute or so to keep looking and never said anything, i knew my fears were confirmed. i didn't start crying until she said that she was so sorry, but that she couldn't find a hearbeat. my world was shattered. the baby that we had, for two long years, been trying and hoping for was gone.

the tech lead us the the dr's office where we had to wait to talk to him. we had to wait probably 10-15 minutes on him to finish with other patients. we cried and hugged and sat in awkward silence, i think we both apologized. i think deep down i had known something was wrong, just the day before i had told a lady at work that "i give up on feeling pregnant" i hadn't had morning sickness, and some of my other symptoms kind of came and went. i didn't know how to feel and i didn't know what to say, i just wanted to crawl under the covers and sleep for a long time. i guess i knew that everything would eventually "be ok", but it didn't really matter at that time.

dr. p came in after 10-15 minutes, and told us how sorry he was. he reassured me that sometimes there is just something inherently wrong with the baby that it can't grow past a certain point and that it was nothing i had done. he also said that because the baby was measuring 8 weeks it had happened within the last day or two. then we had to talk about the next step. he recommended that i have a d&c (dilation & curettage). he said it wasn't necessary, but with the amount of tissue that would be involved and that there was no way to determine when i would miscarry on my own or how long it would last, that it would probably be better. although i was fully on board with this idea, just wanting it to be over, my head started spinning. i wanted to make sure travis understood and was ok with this, i wanted at least one of my parents to be able to be there with travis. per my usual nature, my thoughts immediately flew to calling my dad and telling him he would have to cancel anything else and be there with travis. (it is much harder for my mom to get off work, but i knew she would) fortunately though, i was given a choice and asked them to check with the OR and see if they could do the d&c on saturday morning.

after arrangements were made we left and headed to get travis' oil changed, it might sound odd, but it still needed to be done and we were already in seperate cars. of course as soon as i get in my car i realize that my phone was vibrating. it was my mom. i wasn't ready for this but answered the phone anyway. "hey" "hey *voice cracking*" "is everything ok?" "no, the baby didn't have a heartbeat" what can a mother say to that? of course she said she was sorry, i told her when the d&c would be, and that i still wanted to have dinner with them that night (at least i think i told her all that at that time, but who knows) (once again my subconscious had watched out for me, i had wanted to fix soup and have some people over for dinner, but i was just too nervous about planning anything for that night, so i planned dinner with my parents just in case something went wrong). so, we had dinner with my parents and went to bed early.
FEB 7 - got up early to be at the hospital at 5:30. i won't go through all the boring details, but there is no one there to register people at that time in the morning and the woman in the ER didn't know what to do with us. eventually i got registered and taken to pre-op waiting, and of all things i had to pee in a cup so they could do a pregnancy test. thanks for that one. eventually after getting an iv and waiting and waiting, i got taken back.
as soon as i awoke from the anesthesia i just started crying. i wanted to go home, i didn't want it to be true. after about 10 minutes they let travis and my parents come back and we eventually left. my dad went and got my prescriptions while we got breakfast and met back up at my parents' house. after breakfast travis and i went home and i tried to sleep, even on painkillers i couldn't sleep. eventually we went to the library and rented some movies and went and got ice cream (my throat was sore from being intubated during surgery).
i called my pastor that night, talked to her for a few minutes, and ask that she share our prayer concern with the church.
on sunday my best friend came down from birmingham to spend the afternoon with me, this also gave travis a chance to visit a friend. we spent monday at home, rest and recovering. some friends from canada sent us flowers and we got cards in the mail. slowly we got back to our lives, not the ones we had begun to imagine having, but the same life of living with infertility and childlessness. as the due date for our first baby approaches i'm reminded more often that not only do we not have our baby, but we aren't even pregnant again yet. i know that if it is his will, God will provide us with a child, somehow, some day.

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